Am I truly worthless? NO!

Does the opinion of others truly matter in regards to my individual worth? NO!

Can someone you love, who also loves you, hurt you and not know it? YES!

Is someone who is seen by others as sheltered, also innocent? NO!

My first experience when I truly felt worthless is a time that I do not enjoy reliving or thinking about. I doubt anyone enjoys looking back to such a time in their life. So I make this an early post to rip off that Band-Aid and then move forward from there.

This feeling of worthlessness happened to me when I was young. Growing up, I look back and know that I was loved, cared for, and for the most part, well enough off to not know a lot of struggle. Though as I have mentioned in other posts, I knew early on that there was something different about me than what I knew. I did not know what it was and the fear of the unknown…that fear is real.

I was always the boy who would play with the girls more than I did with the boys. I still was able to match the boyish charms and traits that we all have at a young age but, as I got a little older…into middle school I saw more and more, that I did not fit in with the boys that I grew up with in elementary school. Most boys around middle school begin to become snobby jock-type boys. Talking like they know everything, making fun of each other, and taking any chance they could to show off or spray themselves down with Axe body spray to try and impress the girls. I was still somewhat like this though definitely not completely that way. Axe body spray always made me gag.

As most kids do in middle school, we had our lovely health class. Probably one of the most awkward classes ever to take as someone who, at that time, was seen as sheltered, innocent, even naïve. With our health classes, we discuss three main topics. Physical Health, Drugs and Alcohol, and the immature individual’s favorite…Sex Education. The sexual education unit of our health class is never a mandatory portion. Parents may sign a form to exempt their child from taking it. Sex, or anything related to physical intimacy for that matter, is not something that is talked about at church (rightfully so) or in the home of many a church member. That being said, there is still a split between parents who sign the form to prevent their children from taking the course and those who would rather this be a topic that their child should be exposed to through school to avoid the need to have these types of conversations with them.

I do not know the reasoning behind my parents allowing me to take that section of the class every year that I had to take the class in general, and I honestly have no feelings one way or the other in regards to caring why.

The course I participated in during middle school…I do not recall if it had addressed, even to a minimal degree, the topic of homosexuality. Mostly this course addressed safe sex (obviously), pregnancy, birth, and the bodily changes that come with puberty. During the course, there were many inappropriate hand gestures, jokes, and sadly, pictures shared between the students. I, being the greatly religious (albeit striving to be the holiest that I could be) individual, tried to avoid those at all costs. It was the students that would bring up the topic of same-sex relationships. Something that I was never really exposed to at home or in church…again, a topic that at that time was quite taboo in the church and even today, still not often a topic that is taken lightly (physical intimacy, but especially homosexual relationships)

Class aside, I do not know exactly when this became a curiosity that I finally gave into though I do feel it was around this time. I realized that I was not thinking about girls the same way that the other guys were. I just thought it was something that made me a better person. Pictures would be passed in class, or the locker room…though I would not look at the pictures, my eyes were drawn more to the boys I was around. Many of them more muscular than I was and it was appealing; chills running over my body, my face and ears going red and burning. I weighed less than 100lbs until the end of my freshman year of high school so it was not surprising that most boys were bigger and stronger than I was.

Weeks pass and my curiosity continues to grow. One day I find myself bored at home, alone and knowing the password to the computer. I began my journey into pornography. Not even in high school, and I was searching topics that no child should ever be exposed to. My body began reacting to it in ways that I had never experienced before. And it felt weird, but it also felt good, the same way I felt when I saw other guys in the locker room. I still did not understand, but I knew that it made me feel good. I hear the car pull into the driveway and I rush to close the browser, turn off the computer and look completely natural when my parents walked into the house. I did not know yet how to clear one’s browser history.

Months go by and I began to try and be home alone more to experience what I found to be enjoyable for me. I even faked not feeling well to spend time alone…even when I truly was sick I would take advantage of any opportunity I had. Eventually, I was caught, not in the middle of the act but my father has always been technically savvy so it was only a matter of time.

It was after my siblings and I were all in bed that my dad calls me downstairs, I ask why and he just told me to come downstairs so I did. Both he and my mom are on the couch and they have me sit on the floor. I can tell something is wrong, mom is not making eye contact with me and my dad is at a loss for words. I do not know how long it was before one of them asked me what I was doing. I was confused, they continue to ask questions that continued to make little sense as to why. I do not remember the questions but I know they were essentially asking if I was attracted to girls and how I knew.

The topic eventually came to what I was looking at online and the biggest thing I remember is my mom breaking down in tears. Seeing my mother cry, even today is never something that I have been able to see without crying myself. I was scared, my father looked angry, my mother horrified and in tears. She gets up and goes to the bathroom, I reach for her crying as she walks away not even looking in my direction and my father not looking at me, silent as the grave. One of my siblings come halfway down the stairs as I nor my mother were quiet criers as I was crying and trying to talk at the same time earlier. My dad tells them to go back to bed in the classic dad voice that is the stern tone which allows no additional questions or discussion.

I take that chance get up and head to the bathroom that my mother is in. The door is locked and all I can hear is my mother crying. I knock on the door and beg my mother, choking on my tears, to let me in repeatedly saying I am sorry. She eventually throws the door open, not acknowledging me and I see her sliding down the wall to the ground next to the toilet, just a mess. I have blocked out the rest of that night, but I do know that seeing my mother in the state that she was; is a sight I never want to see again in my life.

The only thing that I took from that night, nothing someone at the age of 12/13 should ever feel in their life…is that my parents did not love me anymore and were ashamed of me. I was a disappointment. I was broken. I was going to hell. I did the unthinkable. My father could not look at me knowing what I had done and my mother, hysterical that one of her own children could be gay or that they could do something so horrible and disgusting as to view pornography. From then on, even subconsciously I began to suppress my feelings, shaming myself every time I would see something that even remotely had me thinking the “wrong” thing. Negative self-talk was almost a constant for me as were nights where I would just lay in bed and wonder why I was so broken.

I was worthless.

My dad took precautions after that night, placing filters on the internet, relocating the computer to their bedroom, locking it when they were out of the house, only allowing me on the computer when they were in the room with me. Being as smart as I was, I took advantage of every slip-up I could. I was addicted and took advantage of any moment that was made available. Over the years I have continued to struggle with pornography, still do. Not nearly as badly as I used to, thank heavens, it took a lot of time, internal determination, and a desire to make sure that my life is not controlled by it.

Is pornography bad? The answer to this really depends on who you ask. I will say that ultimately it risks a lot in the way that you are viewed by yourself and others. There is also a huge risk to any relationship that you are in (familial, friends, significant others, etc). It can consume you and make you paranoid beyond belief. Always feeling like you have something to hide, that others know what you do, and judge you because of it.

Do my parents truly see me in the way that I thought they did? Most definitely not, and they never did! For members of the Church, homosexuality has never been something that is looked at positively. For many years, children who are part of the LGBT community were not held responsible for who they were. Their parents were the individuals held responsible for their children being gay, they would then push that guilt, shame, and responsibility onto their children. Mine did, though it was never intentional or a conscious decision (as far as I know), I let myself believe all these things for years.

Has my relationship with my parents improved? It has been many years since that night. A lot of growth, prayer, conversation, tears, alone time, introspection, acceptance, and more have happened since. Both together and as individuals, it has been a journey I cannot give detail on when it comes to my parents but, it is something that I still hope to shed light on from my perspective. I still live with my parents currently and know that I am loved by them. I am supported, cared for, and they do worry about me and my future as parents do for their children.