Is high school overrated? I would like to say that it is not

Should you allow peer pressure to determine when you come out? Nope!

Do I have regrets about high school? Honestly, I do not think there is much that I would regret. I was still not fully aware of who I was and I do not think that anyone really is during high school.

I am not really sure where to begin or for how long or how in-depth this post will go…Maybe I break my high school years into multiple posts, maybe I keep it all in one. I have not really chosen to forget my high school years, it is just that I really only remember some of the best moments. So, let’s see what I come up with as I write and I know that I will share specific memories of high school as needed as my blog continues to grow.

For most of us, high school is never something that we enjoy, if we did we look back on it after or years later and cringe. Middle school was hard as, all of a sudden, we think we are cool, better than our parents, know everything, and begin to realize that we find others really attractive. In high school, we spend more hours around our peers; in sports or other extracurriculars, classes, lunch, the halls, before and after school.

The scary part about all of this new exposure is that not only are we now discovering who we are but we are exposed to so much more that it further complicates the process of self-discovery. We are able to choose our classes, our friends, and become who we feel we are. We now have more autonomy over our lives, and it is just a small amount compared to what we have later in life. High school is a time for self-discovery and expression on top of the need that we have to learn what is necessary to further our education.

My time in high school was more about academics than it was the social aspect. This was my choice though there definitely was a lot of parental influence in what classes I took, the extracurriculars I participated in, and those that I spent my time with. I made sure that I was involved in other things in high school; swim team, theatre, orchestra, a couple other clubs. Even with all that involvement, most of my social life was through church. In church, starting at the age of 12, we are involved in “mutual activities” where once a week we get together with individuals who are our age from our congregation and we participate in various activities that we have previously planned to do. These activities range from spiritual to just plain wholesome fun.

Nobody else at this time in my life knew that I was struggling with pornography or that I was gay, I was still denying to myself that I could possibly be that way. Yes, I knew I was different but I was not fully aware of or accepting that I was attracted to other guys. I just simply thought that I strongly admired the other boys. The boys at mutual that were older than me I saw as older brothers. The boys at school, on the other hand, some were friends, some were those I did not like, and others I really wanted to be friends with them.

Most of my friends through both circles were girls. I did some of the stereotypical “gay kid” things throughout school. I was on the swim team, I was in one of the performing arts (orchestra) and I was involved in theatre. Not all individuals from the LGBT community fit the various stereotypes that surround their sexuality and identity. I do fit some, but certainly not all.

Theatre is where I was able to begin to come to know myself better, I was in a space where everyone was openly willing to change aspects about them to fit the roles that they needed to play, I tried to do this without standing out if I could. I was never a fan of being the center of attention and still struggle with that today. Over time I began having those feelings again that I was trying to suppress. Sometimes, when trying hard to hide something it is impossible to hide it. I would be approached multiple times by peers and asked if I was gay. Some would ask out of curiosity and would not have been hurtful at all. Others would be asking just to have an excuse to make fun of me more than they already did for things such as; that I did not curse, drink coffee, and was active in the church. I was always adamant that I was not. The longest I have ever held up a lie to myself was insisting that I was not gay.

My time in high school was not easy when looking through the lens of someone in the closet. While looking back at high school, I have been asked if there is anything that I would change about my experience or if I would have preferred to have been out if that would have made it any easier. I will whole-heartedly say that I was better off in the closet while in high school. I do not look much at what-ifs when it comes to something that was 10 to 14 years ago. Though I know that adding that I am gay to something that I needed to work out at that time would probably have nearly broken me.

I say that I probably would have been broken because, as members of the church, when we make a mistake or are not seen as following every commandment that we have been given, it is all too common to be shamed, both by yourself and by others if they knew. This is even more common among those who grow up in the church and church culture. I grew up in the church and there are many stories in scripture where someone makes a mistake and they are punished by God, or by others in the name of God. This can have a profound effect on children who see things simply as you do bad, you are punished, you do good, you are blessed and happy. If you make a mistake you are bad, if you do not, you are good.

This is a simple concept to teach and explain, yet a very negative mindset can come from his concept. If you make a mistake and you were taught that those who do bad things are bad people, then you term yourself as a bad person. The issue is the result that negative self-talk at a young age, becomes commonplace. Scripture teaches that God is a God to be feared, it also teaches that God is a God of love. The concept that bad actions = bad people; furthers the lesson that God is to be feared. This, in my opinion is not healthy.

In my high school years, I was more in the mindset that bad actions = bad person. I am thus a sinner, wrong, punishable, valueless, with no opinion of value, etc. Yes, I was continually fighting myself about this and that I am in fact none of those things. Family and friends would further that positive feedback, though I would not believe it as they did not know the true me. That I view pornography, and that I had feelings for other guys. If they knew that, they would not say the things that they say about me.

My mental health throughout high school was bad at best. I was living my life every day as I felt I should, the way that my parents said I should. I was taught early on that my parents have experience and wisdom that I do not and that I should learn from them and be guided by them. I do know that this is true, but only to a degree. In high school I let it be more that I needed to make my parents proud in the way that they felt I should, than learning who I was, growing and becoming more an individual self. So I did my best to please my parents, and that helped me be happy. In my mind, I only had value and purpose when what I did pleased my parents.

The concept that God is a God of love is a much healthier concept to have. It too has its downfalls. Just knowing that God loves you when viewed in context alone, is that you could do anything you wanted, no matter what, and God will still love you. This is true, even more extreme is that regardless of your actions, you can do no wrong. This is where the downfall is in the concept that God is a God of love becomes apparent. Doing wrong and making mistakes does not disqualify you from the love of God, it also does not exempt you from the fact that you have done wrong.

I prefer to see, and honestly believe that God is a just God. There is love in a just god. There is also an aspect of fear, though the fear should not be fear but respect. For those that are religious, God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, makes the rules. These rules all have consequences, whether they are positive or negative depends on your own actions. A just God loves us and understands that we make mistakes and that we are not perfect, at least I know that I am not. With this understanding, there is less fear of making a mistake or being different than you taught was normal. The is still uncertainty in the repercussions of the wrong or mistake that has been done. Though with the knowledge that God is just, there arises a glimmer of hope, that we can be better.

When should one come out? My advice will always be to come out when you are ready. You can also ask yourself some questions, “Will I have a support system?”, “Is it safe for me to come out?”, “Am I okay with an onslaught of questions afterward?”. If you say “no,” to any of those questions, you may be better off waiting to come out.

Is God truly a just God? I believe that to be true. I have not spoken with God face to face, as far as I know anyway.

Do I blame my parents for how my high school experience was? Hell no! At the time in high school and for a short time after, I did. I will not lie about that.