Is college really as it is portrayed in the media? Hell no!

Was being in the closet at college hard? First year…I would say no and you’ll read why.

As we have been able to conclude in prior posts, by now I have been suppressing my attraction to other men for a few years now, and that I have decided to complete a year of college prior to serving a mission. The preparation for school was not too bad as I was not too bad at planning ahead or at least planning things out.

Signing up for classes was stressful as I needed to be able to get on as soon as registration opened so I could get the classes that I wanted, when and with the professors that I wanted as well. I had looked at courses, what I needed and researched the options of times and professors that I was able to come up with three options for my schedule, I also listed which classes that I needed to sign up for first due to them either having a smaller class size or that it was only offered once in a spot that would work with the other classes. Spreadsheets helped a lot with this.

Some of the classes that I had signed up to take my first term were ambitious. The most ambitious I would say would be multivariable calculus. Yes, I was that smart in high school that I qualified to take that class in my freshman year of college…not what I should have done, let alone take that class at 7:45am Mon-Fri. I, at the time, wanted to be a structural engineer and help build bridges and roads.

The day arrives that my family and I move me into my dorm. Term started just after the new year so it is probably January 2nd or 3rd or just before the new year and in the middle of Idaho with feet of snow on the ground (more than I had seen all at once in my life at that time) and the sun was out in full blast while the temperature was below freezing. We are moving my things in, a few bins, and my luggage, we have to take trips from the car in the parking lot to my dorm across the courtyard. A couple roommates were already there from the previous term or had just barely dropped off their stuff and then headed to campus to collect books or get a tour.

As the sun was out, I had my sunglasses on when outside and did not bother taking them off when going inside as I would just go right back outside where without them I would be blinded and probably slip and fall on the ice. While making multiple trips in and out of the dorm another roommate showed up to move in as well so we would pass each other periodically and the first time I passed him, we both stopped and had a double-take.

Before you get to the thought that I had found the love of my life at that moment…I did not.

What I did see…or at least I thought I did, was myself in a mirror. This guy that I had never before seen in my entire life looked a lot like I did! Same build, similar facial structure, matching complexion (pasty AF), and sunglasses on inside. I look back at that moment and always chuckle and note that the sunglasses furthered the illusion that I walked past a mirror or was roommates with my doppelganger.

We later removed our sunglasses and still agreed that there was a decent similarity between the two of us which we thought was kind of cool. After getting all settled in, my family and I went off to do some shopping, and then once we dropped that all off, my family said goodbye, and I was left alone without my family there. Just other people my age. All of us, technically adults…this was a really weird feeling for me as I had never been away from home for an extended period of time, not many college freshmen have in all honesty. So I just made small talk with my roommate until we were done unpacking. That evening was a campus party that looked fun but we also knew that it would be hella cheesy as we were at a church school so everyone would be hella awkward or too friendly yet everyone would be sober so anything done would be remembered the next day. We decided it would be more fun to explore the campus as with most everyone at the party we could practically go anywhere and do whatever. It turned into really a tagless game of tag, running around chasing each other, random ass par core moments where it was actually kind of cool. The night came to a close when a security guy caught us jumping over the railing that was only half a story above where we were landing. We did not yet have our school ID badges so we weren’t written up and there was no damage anyway to school property that the security guy could see.

That night we just laughed about it while our other roommates were probably out making out in some dark corner with their girlfriend or screaming at the other players online while playing Halo. Classes started in a couple days so nobody really cared. Laying in bed that night while scrolling through the list of movies I was going to watch I kept thinking that I had met a pretty awesome guy and I knew that he and I would never really ever lose touch (I was one of the groomsmen at his wedding about five years later).

The last couple of days before classes start I meet the rest of my roommates and my bunkmate. There were six of us in a three-bedroom dorm. Me and a guy from Ohio studying business. My look-a-like from California who had four years on all of us and was in the marines. His bunkmate was some other guy from California who, I later found out, was a total prick. Last, there was the Texan toolbag who honestly believed that Texas was bigger than Alaska, and then a roommate who was a bit socially awkward but only took the fun classes that he could at school (don’t know how he was still able to attend) and he also looked a bit like a lizard…I swear I never saw that kid blink and his skin always seemed to be peeling.

All in all, a decent group of guys. My brief description of them all comes from the fact that I never really was friends with the guys other than the one who we passed off as my older or twin brother from time to time just to mess with people. We would see a lot of each other over the next 12 weeks so it made sense that we would be at least somewhat accommodating towards each other.

That thought was short-lived.

Having had it slightly easier in high school where everything that I was being taught just made sense to me and I did not need to really study a lot to pass my classes, I quickly found that I did not have study habits that are usually developed in high school. I began to struggle. The concepts were not hard but there were so many from all my classes that prioritization was difficult for me to set. This was not made easier as my calculus class as I had mentioned earlier started at 7:45am and my roommates the prick and the tool-bag stayed up till 2am at least playing Halo, yelling and screaming. Pretty sure I slept through most of those class hours that term.

Along with the excessive Halo habit, my roommates also had the annoying habit of bringing girls over as much as the girls would allow, which was a lot. Girls were not allowed past our front room…which was only about 6’x8′ if I remember correctly. Insanely small for a dorm of 6 boys and adding girls to it…let’s say cuddling was a normal thing.

Movie nights were common as they gave the guys opportunities to cuddle up and just hold the girls. Undoubtedly excessive petting and groping happened a lot under their blankets and I was one who would prefer to just watch the movie without a girl to watch it with. My roommates took it upon themselves to make sure that I had a girl for movie nights so they had the girls invite someone over for a movie night to be my “date”. I was not interested in dating at the time but I allowed this to happen as my thoughts were that I would just say goodbye and never see her again as it would be obvious that I would not be interested.

Being someone who was involved in theatre physical contact and just platonic affection was not uncommon for me so I let this girl (who was not unattractive) cuddle up close and put a blanket over us. I kept my arms out of it and along the back of the couch or at my side. My goodness, this girl was handsier than any of my roommates! I hadn’t even known this girl for more than 5 minutes and her hands were in my front pockets even before the opening credit finished. I did not even remember her name by then. I slid her hands out of my pockets and gave her a good side-eye. She got the hint…for maybe another 5 minutes…happening again, I just removed the blanket and slid as far away as I could. She slid as well then wrapped her arms around me I just let that happen. as she was at least keeping her hands out of my pockets.

There is more to the story and to first term which I know will make this post longer than I feel it appropriate to be, so I will share some more of those next week and leave second term for another probable two-part post.

Do I end up dating this girl? Next week’s post will tell more

Why did I let the actions of this girl continue? I am one, at this time, who was very impressionable and influenced and led by peer pressure.

Was my look-a-like roommate the instigator in this? Nope! The prick and tool bag roommates were the kindling and fuel to that fire.

Why not voice your opinion about how uncomfortable you were? Reminder here that I am only 5′ 10″ and maybe 115lbs dripping wet. Tool bag and Prick are both 6+’ and have probably 20-30lbs on me each…I’m not saying shit to contradict them.