“Why bother writing a blog? Nobody will read it, too many people already talk about what you have.” Does it look like I care? Your opinion is valid yes, but it only has power to me if I let it have power.

Why do you write your blog and not just journal? Isn’t a blog and a journal the same thing? I write me thoughts, my concerns, share my ups and my downs. I guess this way more people can read my story while I am alive and not when going through my belongings after I die. (Not for many decades to come I hope)

“What has been your biggest doubt?” Starting my blog my doubt would be that nobody would ever read my blog except maybe like…two or three people. First couple weeks I had like 20! It has died down a bit recently…but Im not really expecting this to take off for a while.

There are many sayings out there that talk about what happens when you work too hard. Everyone has their times where they just work so hard, for so long, without a break that they just…crash and burn.

I am not that type of person.

Yes I work too hard. Yes I work too long. Yes I crash. Yes I forget to slow down. Yes I forget to take breaks. Yes I stress a lot about the things I cannot control. Yes I blow things out of proportion. Yes, yes, yes…there are uncountable things that I do that I should not.

But that is just how I work. My mind is always on the move.

Mental exhaustion is a major thing that I struggle with in my life because of this and it is not often that I address it as I feel that I am able to continue to do what I need to, what I want to and do it well.

Writing this blog has been a huge outlet for me to be able to manage and cope with the fact that my mind runs at about 90% all the time…many times overdrive is kicked in and then I drop to a sudden 25% and I am just done. Not often does my head just say…”today’s the day!” I know I am not the only person out there that struggles with this but I know I want to put my voice out there about it.

Though I still write and enjoy it, there is a level of stress that comes with writing. Especially when I have committed to posting every Tuesday and making sure that I do. I keep myself so busy and my mind keeps going even busier that I often do not set aside time to write and then go back and edit. I am usually just spending a couple hours or so all at once on Monday nights just cranking out my post. This works for me and for anyone who is wanting to journal or just write in general…do it.

As much or as little as you are able, as often as you can…short sprints of random thoughts or long hauls where you start and next thing you know you wake up with a pen in your hand and a sheet of paper plastered to your face from the drool you produced while sleeping and the sun is coming up and you realize it is now time to get to work.

My friends and family (by blood and those chosen), I want you to know that for me…this blog has been and I aim for it to continue to be a pillar of my life that I can use to help me process, spew out my thoughts and to just let myself speak without anyone else really responding right away for me to unintentionally say something I may regret later. My weekly posts are changing to be more about what is on my mind that last week, day, hour, past few days, weeks, months etc…I just write and it works for me.

I am rambling and kind of going off topic of the title for this week and I know I am because I have kind of already moved on from how I was feeling…but I feel it is important for me to write it down.

I had a meltdown.

Shocker, I know.

The last few weeks have been all over the place in regards to ups and downs from work, to home, to friends, to family, to church and love and everything, adding to that where my mind keeps running all the time, and doesn’t ever really stop…yeah I was bound to have one soon. I always see the signs and just prepare for what will come.

My meltdown.

Work, I am involved in working on building the team I am a part of and that is hard as I do not know if I will be employed with my current job for much longer due to my relocation. I am trying to train multiple people to each take on some of what I do in hopes that I can be replaced.

Additionally there was some good news that has a lot of potential…but only if it goes forward. Instead of just having a team that I am part of and working on building…it could soon become an official department! This would mean a lot of doors could open for pay bumps, less requirements from other responsibilities and more time to address the responsibilities that I am struggling to keep up with for the team. Last option that could come from this…the ability (potentially) to take my job with me to the Rocky Mountains. HALLELUAH!

Church, for the last few years I have been in charge of the committee for planning our monthly activities. Yes, even through COVID we tried to keep gathering even if it was virtually. Every month my stress level increases as I am someone who does not delegate really well so I do a lot of the work myself, bouncing from here to there, running ideas through my head, planning it all out and then instructing people in the best way I can to execute the vision that I have for what I have planned.

Family…well that has been addressed before and long story short they are supportive and loving and caring and always will be. I just feel often and probably will for a long time that some of my family would prefer is I were bisexual…at least that way they could encourage me to just date women.

HA…if I were bisexual, I would know and so would my family…and yes I would probably be married by now with at least one kid.

Love…I do not have the time to dive into this one. Currently I claim myself to be single. I do have a special man who I have deep and long feelings for who I have not heard from in a few weeks. It is a long distance situation which I know is hard as it is. Though hearing from this man makes me feel so much joy and happiness it is like my brain stops and is able to finally take a break.

All in all…all of these things, constantly going on in my head with more detail, more over thinking, more stress, bouncing off the walls inside this pretty little head of mine and adding to it the physical exertion of the normal day to day things and mental necessities that working, conversing with others has…and then the social needs that my brain has to satisfy to maintain a decently full battery…yeah I can hear the gears grinding and smoke building up.

The Saturday activity arrives and I am so happy to finally have this activity going and I am enjoying myself for sure…though since I am in charge…I am constantly thinking about enough food, are people having fun, is the music too loud or too soft, are the lights too bright, who isn’t here that could be should I be dancing or do I need to make sure there’s enough food out…just the small number of things on my mind.

Sunday…ah yes another holiday arrives and this is that fine day!

My meltdown.

Easter Sunday so we do not have any before church meetings so I am able to take a little extra time getting ready for church and I get there…on my drive there…

WHAM

I suddenly realize that I am alone in this holiday that many people celebrate. How? I am without the one person that I want to spend it with. Everyone around me has their family, their significant other, their really close friends…me…I have all that do….but the one person I want to spend it with…is radio silent and has been for a couple weeks.

That is just the little straw that just breaks it all. Something so small and insignificant and I am crying like a baby. I compose myself and make it through about 90 minutes and I know it’s coming again so I go to my car and just before I could even close the door…floodgates are open.

Tears streaming down my face, crying like a baby, those sobs, the body convulsions, all of it…and lots of it. I don’t really know how long it went on but it did and I soon was able to see enough to get myself home.

Mini meltdown again in my room after a friend messages me about my day and I am honest with him and he lets me know he is sending good vibes my way and that the nap I intend to take will do me good.

I never took that nap as some extended family came over to say hi and just to spend some time with us.

Now some people may get to this point and say, “GET ON WITH IT.”

Here I am now…getting on with it.

For me to breakdown like I did, takes a lot, for me to get back together completely…I never really know how long that takes. Sometimes I just get right back to the grind when I can and it’s over quick. Other times I am out of it for days and may even call out of work and just go to work (according to family) and just exist in my car in various places around town for about 8hrs and do really just about nothing. Takes time but I am able to get put back together the best I can.

When it comes to people pushing themselves too hard for too long…there will be a breaking point and some people that point is a lot closer than others. Everyone, when they are broken handles their broken state in different ways…mine is a breakdown and probably some detachment from anything and everything except being a hollow shell doing the bare minimum and running on auto pilot for a while.

Breaking too many times and end up with even worse results than someone just having a bad day and being able to get up from it. Sometimes these breakdowns are not able to be bounced back from fully and each one gets worse, and worse and to the point where sometimes someone decides they’re done with it all and we lose someone precious from this world.

I know that quickly took a dark turn but I have lost friend and family to the inability for them to build back up their capabilities. I feel that many times this happens is because people do not have the tools or support that they need and not know they need it or deny it knowing they need it for fear of asking for help.

Growing up I was always taught it was okay to ask for help, but that we should still do our best to do things on our own. Sadly sometimes when I would ask for help from family or friend…the result would be met with shame for asking for help. Especially when I would get emotional about my own disappointment in myself for not being capable.

Over the years I developed that deep understanding that me being emotional was not acceptable, especially in front of others as it was not okay to be seen as incapable, broken, or weak. I got to the point where I would have my meltdowns as silently as possible. If I could not, I would mentally beat myself up about being incapable of controlling myself and being so dumb, worthless and broken for being so emotional about something that is not an issue.

THIS. IS. NOT. HEALTHY.

As the years have gone by and more recently than anything I have gotten better about it. I am able to cry in front of others (mostly close friends). I still feel horrible about breaking down. There is a lot of shame I have developed about that and I am still working on overcoming.

Everyone, regardless of age, or gender. Has emotions that are strongly felt at times that may not be opportunistic. I know because I have never really ever planned for my meltdowns to happen in a place where I knew I could be safe. I just make sure when I know I am on the verge of one that I do my best to be in a place where I know I will be safe.

I hope that something others are able to take away from this is that having emotions is okay, feeling them in an outward expression is healthy. Being there for someone when they are expressing them…especially when they are uncontrollable and sudden, it will speak volumes to that person. Many times there is nothing more you can do other than just being there for someone and letting them know they are safe.

Why do I still write my blog even after the views have died down? Because I know that at some point, someone will read it and it will make an impact on their life. An impact I really hope is a good one.

Any tip to talk to someone who had a bad day? I had a moment with a friend where I shared something that I heard/seen that I cannot remember. But you ask that person three things, giving them the option from the three. “Do you want to talk about it now? Do you need some alone time and I can come back and check on you? Do you need me to provide you with a distraction?” If the one having a bad day needs help making that choice, help them make a choice and HONOR THAT CHOICE.

“Can I ask you to write about something specific?” You sure can! Comment on one of by posts if you want more detail or more thoughts on something, use my contact page to reach out and I will do what I feel is best to see if what you would like me to write about is something I feel I can.