How are you so on top of your game all the time? Honest to goodness I am not on top of my game and very rarely am I ever even in sight of that moment. I am so far from the top…but I know sure as hell that I am working my ass off to get there.

Are you ever less than perfect? Have you read my previous post? Yeah a meltdown is kind of an obvious sign perfection (or at least society’s version of it) is not personified in me.

How do you do it? How do I do what exactly? Keep myself from falling apart every day, reliving or remembering some of the worst experiences of my life and not letting them just drag me down to the bottom of that hole where light is even dark? Sometimes it is by taking life one damn minute at a time.

I will warn you that this post this week may be shorter, I’m not sure…it is late and I have an early morning dentist appointment in the morning (insert PSA about oral hygiene here). Another thing I am not perfect at. I will admit I do not always remember to brush or floss. I do a lot better than I did when I was a child. But I am still not perfect. But trying is the biggest thing.

Moving on from my bad habits, (at least you know I’m real that way anyway). I made my post last week about my Sunday meltdown in the parking lot. Couple days after this meltdown which was caused by overwork and stress…my physical body decides to give me the finger and says…you’re sick now.

Not abnormal, never good timing, and down right rude of my body to tell me otherwise. End of my day on Tuesday I begin to have some intense body aches, I pop some meds before I head home from work and then I make sure I drug up to try and beat this before it kicks my ass.

WRONG

Wednesday I wake up with a massive headache, body more sore than the night before, and a lovely moist phlegm filled cough. I email work quickly to say I will not be in that day and try to get some sleep after a hot shower to loosen up the grossness, expel what I can and get some more meds in my system. A couple hours later I am well enough to compose a better email for work and confirm policy is that I have to be symptom free for 24hrs before returning to work. So Wednesday and hopefully just one day in addition to that before I get back to work.

Now when I am sick as much as I love getting sleep and trying to sleep…it never comes easy. As I have mentioned before, my mind runs all the time and rarely stops to take a break. So when I am sick my mind has nothing else to focus on other than itself and everything else that has kind of been sitting on the back burner.

Love, friends, family, my messy room, the mess that is my life, the fact I am moving in just a few short months and have not really gone through any of my stuff already to try to thin it out before my trip (yes I have a lot of crap).

Though with little physical energy I really just sit there and whine and complain and try not to think about every little thing that comes into my head for hours on end.

Yet…this is forced time for me to do exactly what I often do not set time aside to do.

Sid down, shut up, and let my mind wander and to just listen to my thoughts and begin to sift through them like I should be doing with a lot of actual things that I really only keep because of who knows why.

The time that I have to just be with my thoughts is actually a blessing…at least, I had to put myself into that mentality and I came to realize a few things.

I am pretty damn impressive.

I hold onto people a lot harder than some would say is healthy.

I can do better with my own health.

I need to be more open, honest and speak my opinion with people I care about.

I will not go into too much detail on all of these things as I could go on for days honestly with the write people to talk to about anything and everything. Some of you who read this are those very people who I tell just about everything. I do say just about because…well…not everything is meant for someone other than myself.

Impressive is just one word that has been used to describe me to myself from others. I know some of you could list probably about ten more each. Being someone who does not take compliments well I always find it hard to accept those terms unless I am really feeling it and let myself embrace it (this is more rare than me getting sick). But my best friend who I will be moving with has mentioned it to me a few times, “If there’s anyone who’s survived shit it’s you, you’re one tough motherf—er.” I laughed at this because knowing my friend, she only uses these types of terms when it is warranted. She will brag about me just as much as I brag about her.

My friend and I both know that words have a huge impact on the world around us and that there is a lot of power behind the words that we use so we are careful, more now that we are older and realize we can mess shit up, than when we were younger.

My attachment to people is quick and deep. I am capable of reading people’s energies fairly well and when I feel it I attach to it. I carry that energy with me and thus I become attached to people and the more I am around them, especially those I put effort into spending time with. I have a very difficult time letting go, or seeing them in a way that is more true than I have been seeing them before.

Many times do I overlook things that are obvious to others mostly because the time that I form an attachment to someone, even at a very superficial level…it is typically a positive one, yet still superficial and has less meaning. This has caused me a lot of hurt before when I was younger when friends move away, or I lose friends, or someone chooses to cut me off. My attachments still keep me there, and sometimes for a long time where there is a lot of wound opening and closing all over, scarring results and just more tenderness and care come to play when it comes to who I should choose to spend time with.

Over the last couple of years I have been more careful about who I spend time with, how I interact with people and who I choose to give my energy to, and who I take it away from. Sometimes letting someone go is more beneficial for you than it would be if you kept them around even though you do deeply care for this person more than you ever thought you did.

My health is important to me…it always has been…but my habits prove otherwise. I have been blessed with a pleasant metabolism, damn good immune system, impressive mental resiliency and probably other things I cannot think of…but I can do better. Doing better will be me actually putting in some effort into this. If I can do well enough without much or any effort at all…just imaging what I could do with some additional effort to add to what I am already capable of.

So part of this process for me is to put effort, a lot of it, into being more honest with those in my life. This comes in many ways, choosing to spend time with those I want to or initiate this time. Being honest with my feelings when asked, even if the follow-up to “I’m not doing well,” is, “and I am not wanting to talk about it.” The hardest part is letting it stand that way with the person who probably does want to talk things out.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO ALWAYS TALK IT OUT. YOU SURE AS HELL DO NOT OWE EVERYONE AN EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY YOU FEEL SO DOWN.

This is something that I myself am still working on and with some people it is easier than others. I have chosen to start doing this more with close friends, those that I am connected to deeper than the superficial.

Not the path for everyone though I will add. I am not someone with a degree in anything other than a General Associates from the local community college. My words are not proven tested fact. They are what has worked for me and what I have chosen to do and writing it out here hold me accountable, yet keeps others out there…maybe prepared to read some experiences with what they would like to do for themselves one day.

Another way that I am choosing to work on being more open and honest with friends/those I choose to spend time with…talk about things deeper than the new celebrity gossip or the superficial things about what we just watched. Nothing, at least I feel, is written for the viewer to not feel some way. We are to watch and enjoy for sure…but let’s talk more about all the deeper things, what line/action/scene made us think about something else more profoundly/differently than we have before? Some of the conversations I have had by doing that with my select friends has been hugely gratifying in what we have been able to discuss.

All in all…the few days I was sick allowed me to further my thoughts, it provided me the time to think a lot more. I know there was a whole topic of some sort that I knew I should have made some notes for because I wanted to write about it. But if it was important I would have been able to remember what it was.

Since I was unable to remember that information, I guess it was better that I wrote in a slightly spastic/sporadic way tonight.

Regardless, I am choosing to be committed to making this blog continue to happen every week and being consistent. My inconsistencies have been issues in the past so this, If I can handle writing a public post every week to complete strangers about my life…I am surely capable of doing better at being consistent with making myself a better person in all the ways that I can improve myself.

I have truly enjoyed getting this blog up and running, keeping it going sometimes feels like a chore sure. But that is life. Not everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows. You will not always wake up next to you significant other, see them and say…”god I love this person.” Sometimes you’ll look at them and go, “you annoy the hell out of me,” spoiler alert…NORMAL!

I will never always wake up refreshed and ready for the day, I will not always enjoy my commute to work, my coworkers, or friends. I may not always enjoy my favorite movie, food or book. This is part of life.

Some days…I will get sick and hate it. I never enjoy it and I feel that most people feel the same way about being sick. After that initial down moment happens…I find myself having a more positive mindset about it because it now gives me the time to think without as many distractions as I am around every day. Yes I can choose to set aside time to be apart from distractions and just sit and think. Though, when nature decides to take charge…might as well make the best of it if I can.

How do I do it? One damn day at a time. I break it down to bits if I have to. Consistent persistence is the key in my mind. If I can consistently be persistent at trying to be better…I will be.

What is one thing this post inspired me to do better with? I touched on it a little bit and this is something that I feel I could have been better at sooner…but writing down my thoughts in a sport where they are not cluttered by other things, or lost in the paths of all the various conversations that I have had with friends a family.

What is one thing I feel I can cut from my life? I would have to say that something that I could cut…and I do not desire to be perfect yet at this or any time soon if ever…my laziness when it comes to doing something. From a small 30sec task to something a bit bigger like a project or class I have been putting off. I can do better at this even more than I have been before.