What do you say when people treat you differently after they learn of my sexuality? Every person will determine their own reaction to this scenario and mine also varies based on the opposition.

Have you cut family out of your life? I have not, though if I needed to I will make sure I do, nice and clean.

Is cutting people out of your life easy? That also depends on the connection between you and the person being cut off. Sometimes it is easy, others it is super hard.

There is a certain satisfaction when you finally press that block button, unfriend someone, send that final message…honestly there’s a special feeling when you haul off and hit someone good and hard to let them know it’s over. Yes I have done that before and it may have been low/shallow…but it felt so good!

Over the last few months, more so the last few weeks I have been more consistent with evaluating my connections with those around me and taking the time to see if there is really any reason I would need to continue a connection.

I know not every relationship that I have…friends, family, etc. will have clear benefits to the connection but there are always some sort of benefit. For many healthily functioning families, there is typically then built a space where everyone is cared for, loved, accepted as they are.

I know for a fact that not one single family out there is perfect. Mine included. There is plenty of drama to go around. I myself have been a topic of conversation I am sure…more when I am not around and mostly since I came out back in 2017.

Friends and family guaranteed have discussed me as I know I have been one to talk about my own friends and family with others when they are not around. I do my best to make sure that the conversation remains positive or constructive than negative.

I have for a long time always wanted to be a fly on the wall or bug in the phone for those conversations because I, as many of us, am concerned of what other’s think. I know that is not always a healthy mentality, but it is a natural curiosity. I have asked trusted friends to enlighten me about those times and, knowing these friends to be honest I have trusted their responses and I always have appreciated their honesty with me as I do my best to return that favor.

There have been those that I used to believe were friends, or considered family in my eyes who, more of recently expressed things over social media where I would me more than happy to never talk to them again. Many of these people I have not seen or even spoken to in years.

I take a quick second to think about them and if they will be someone I will want or need to have contact with in the next three to five years and if that answer is no…then I enjoy the small moment of satisfaction and joy it brings me to unfriend that person. If I think I will, then I ask if I have needed to speak to them for any reason in the last five years and if that answer is no…

SNIP SNIP SIONARA

Those are the easy ones to get rid of. The harder ones are the ones where contact with the person has been more consistent for longer periods of time. There are a few people that come to mind and I will be sure to tell you about my most recent one sometime else in a different post because that is a little too tender right now.

The one I will take some time to write about is the cut off that I made back in 2017. We will call him Michael, I will give the alias out of what little respect I have for him because what he did was out of contractual obligation.

Michael was the roommate that I mentioned that decided to turn me into the honor office at my school. Our first year at school he shows up two weeks late to the semester, his problem not mine. He walks in and he instantly says “hi guys!” pops a hip in his straight cut jeans gives a smile and a wave…I could hardly keep my laughter in because it was as clear as day…my new roommate was GAY. Or at least hella fem.

I was post mission and knew that I was attracted to guys. At this time I was still determined to try and date girls, maybe even marry one and have a family that my mother would be proud of. As we were roommates we spent a lot of time together. Out of circumstance and a lot of late night talks we both came out to each other and spent more time together.

It was not long into things where we both felt that we began to have feelings for each other. Nothing really became awkward for us until a few weeks in when Michael wanted to take things to a more physical level, we did not get very far before I was happy to say I was no longer interest in anything other than friendship with him.

Not that things were bad…just that we were not really compatible. Michael was not super happy about this and that is where things would get awkward. He spent more time around me when he could even though I never asked him to or did not invite him to join in whatever activity I was up to. Dinner with a girls’ apartment, movie with friends etc…and determined to sit close to me.

Luckily I was able to be done with that term pretty quickly and had determined to have a new apartment that was not shared with Michael. My parents wondered why if we got along so well (they were not aware of anything at that time). They convinced me to remain in the same apartment but just choose a different room. I did so and we parted ways for the 6months that we would be apart.

He was fast tracking school so he was there year-round, while I stayed standard track and was there the two terms a year I needed and spent the other two terms at home working and spending my summers with friends and holidays with family.

While I am away from school, I am able to stay in touch with other guys that I had made contact with while at school, guys I was more interested in than I was Michael. One of these young men decided that he would take the other bed in the room that I had claimed for winter term when I started back at school. This was shortly after fall term had started when we could claim spots for the term following.

The system for the complex we had allowed us to look at some profile information about the roommates that chose various rooms. Sleeping habits, cleanliness, music tastes etc…I was sure to check these as I wanted to read a little about my roommates so I could somewhat know my future roommates.

Michael did the same…but his intentions quickly became less than innocent.

I was still in contact with Michael now and then and he never mentioned to me that he knew who my roommate was, or that he talked to him before. I was not concerned about my roommate, I should have been concerned about Michael.

I was not aware of his actions while at school, and it was not really any of my concern…though for Michael, he was still jealous and biter that he and I did not continue any form of relationship further than friends. He was my roommate as a threat.

Michael began to discuss me and my roommate with his existing roommates who would also be in that apartment during winter term. He went as far as to tell our bishop about us both as well. “Us” meaning that two gay men would be sharing a room while at school. Conveniently omitting that Michael and I had previously done the exact same thing for two terms.

Michael set us up for failure.

The time arrives for us to return to school and I arrive shortly after my new roommate. He comes downstairs to help me bring my things to the apartment and boy does he look cute! Blue eyes, adorable smile and honestly…his shorts really showed off his butt.

Michael offered to help too…I left my heavy things behind for Michael and grabbed my more precious things…Michael was not much for grace so it made sense.

All my things in the apartment and I begin to unpack and Michael says he will be off to dinner with some friends. I give no response as I do not care as he is an adult and what he does with his time is his problem. My roommate stays and helps me unpack a bit more.

My roommate leaves the room and shortly comes back and says, “we’re alone now.” I smile, chuckle a bit and continue to unpack. We just get a little more flirtatious. Bumping into each other, I smack his butt, he squeezes mine. Nothing too insane, he even kissed me briefly. That was unexpected but oh my word was it enjoyable!

Most unpacking done we return to kissing and end up on top of each other making out a little bit and we hear our apartment door close.

We jump apart and there is Michael, just walking past our open bedroom door. Yes, we forgot to close the door, let alone close the blinds or turn off the lights.

This spiraled the whole situation and the next day both my roommate and I were told that bishop wanted to speak to us. Okay…no big deal, so we wait till after church and look at that…bishop is out of town so we just go home. We never really got physical again but a couple days later we each get a phone call from the honor office asking to interview us.

I knew right then that Michael had messed up hard core with any connection we had. Michael knew too, no matter where I went, now he avoided me like the plague. No eye contact, mid task…gone.

The interview with the honor office was tearful as, in short, I was given three days to leave school. I had only been there a week.

THREE DAYS!

For MAKING OUT!

Well…more happened that same night we were caught cause we did not think Michael saw anything, and that…being also gay he wouldn’t be a putz and ruin his reputation in the town G.S.A. He did what he did and did not think things through as I had done the same.

My three days turned into about a week as it was a holiday weekend and the three days were three business days. That same day I was given a deadline to leave a lot happened. I will keep it to the Michael story this time around.

My roommate up and moves out while I am in the interview with the honor office and now unreachable anywhere we had connected before. Michael, comes into my room as I am packing, uninvited and just sits and watches me pack. No words from one to the other, definitely no eye contact either…I was furious.

For nearly a week this happens. I pack, Michael sits on my bed watching me…for some reason wanting to talk stuff through. My only statements to him where along the lines of, “Ill be gone on this date, leaving this time and you wont have to see me again.”

Many apologies from him, statements that he never thought that they would kick me out, that if he could undo what he did he would…my response was still that of silence and the same statements of my day and time to leave.

Not long and that day comes. Michael offers to help load the car with my things…I grab my backpack, “it’s all yours to move,” and I leave the apartment to the car. Michael carries the rest…every trip. I just sat in the car letting him do all the work.

He knocks on the window of the passenger door and I roll it down…he asked to speak with me. I get out and stare at him dead in the eyes, flames raging. He simply asked for a hug, I extend a single arm halfheartedly and give one of the most awkward side hugs ever. Moment over for me and I pull myself away from him as he did not want to see me go. I get in the car and block him on all social media we connected on and I leave the school.

Did you ever make contact with Michael again? About six months later I did. I unblocked him from my phone and called him. Surprisingly he answered and sounded quite happy to hear from me. I was in a bit of a mood as I was working on forgiveness and I was angry crying. I told him that I will never forget what he had done to me. There was nothing he could say or do to make what he had done better, undone or in really any way excusable. He understood that. I told him with all that said…forgiveness is still given, for it was only forgiving him so that I did not have to deal with the stress that his actions were pressing upon me. And I had said again…never will his actions be forgotten, his intentions behind them were out of jealousy, bitterness, anger and spite. That was that last time I spoke with him.

Do people that have been cut off ever make it back into someone’s life? That is a question that everyone has at some point. I feel that is all dependent on all parties involved. Maybe it can happen, after a lot of growth and communication, learning and proof that change has happened…maybe. and that is a big fat MAYBE. Often times cutting someone loose from your life is almost even better for the one being cut off. They are hanging onto something that you have been letting/have already let go of. The actual cutting is the part where one has to know there may not be closure and that closure is not obtained from another person. It comes with time.

Do I feel that I have been the one in the wrong? Sometimes I do, yes. I know that when I chose to attend the school that I did that I signed an agreement to honor the standards that the school set forth and that I would abide by them, encourage other’s to do the same and, sadly, to report instances where others could not keep those standards. I was guilty of infracting on that. Over time, I have come to terms with some institutions will place upon those in their contract, rules and regulations that may be restricting to some; all to push for and encourage the institution’s goals and are within rights to reprimand appropriately. I understand that my moral view on what I did will be seen as fine in some eyes and abhorrent in other’s. I know it was a breach of contract…but without the actions that I took and the reactions of others…I would not be where I am today.