How can you remain part of a church that hates you? Where I currently am in my community at church I receive no hate, no distaste, no pettiness, no disapproval…at least publicly for my sexual orientation.

Why don’t you just go out and be openly gay? I am, I am not one to hide my sexuality much anymore. I know that there are times where being super open about it might not be entirely appropriate but I am still never one to deny that I am who I am. I did that for over 18 years. I won’t do that again.

“You have no pride if you remain a member of the church.” HA! Shut up and listen, pride is not a gay only term to be used during the month of June. It is used across the world, across genders, workplaces, countries, sexualities and much much more.

Yes I know that the current time that I am writing this is the month of June, also known as Pride Month. To all those that are part of the LGBTQ+ community and our allies…HAPPY PRIDE! I only exclude those who choose to tell me that I have no pride because I choose to remain active in an organization that has rules and regulations that, to many, are seen as discriminatory.

For a community and culture that labels itself as inclusive…it is not entirely that way. I have often been excluded by many members of it based on looks, the way I talk, the beliefs that I have, the company I keep and more. This is not inclusivity.

Practicing what you teach/preach is never easy and is never always present. I too am guilty of excluding people for many reasons and regardless of the community that I am excluding them from. The reasons being legitimate or not is not the factor here. The fact that there was exclusion at all.

I have voluntarily excluded myself from things as well where I could tell I would not be welcome and that…takes guts. Especially when outwardly, you were one who others really wished were there. These times for me have become less and less common as I do my best each day to give my attention and energy to those who are deserving of it.

I take pride in many aspects of my life. My job, my family, the things I create, the friends I have and their accomplishments, and yes…a lot more than that.

Having pride is often seen as a bad thing. To me, only in excessive amounts and when used against others is it too much. I take pride in what I am able to produce for work, my hobbies, my friendships, by family relationships…all of it. I do not try to boast about my accomplishments to make others seem less than or entirely dismiss them.

Being proud about who you are is a life-long process and this I know because I look back at myself when I was younger and know that I was proud of myself then in many ways. Throughout high school and a few years after that my pride was shot yes for many reasons. But I still have pride in the small things.

For me, re-establishing that I can be proud of things and not be so full of pride it is unbearable for others…was learned . Small moments by small moments where I could truly enjoy what I have been able to accomplish and to just be happy.

One of the hardest parts of this is the ability to take a compliment.

There are three ways that I typically respond to compliments. One is the simple, “thank you,” with a smile. Another is the “thank you,” followed with some explanation about how it could have been better and this and that. My personal favorite is fairly sassy (no surprise there for friends who know me well) where I may respond with a simple, “I know,” a big grin and I move on with my day.

Responses one and three are learned habits that I developed over time to make interactions short, sweet and moving on from the lime-light. The second response is not so good for my health as I can be particularly critical of my efforts and I can complain to someone who has just given me a compliment which…to them…what I have accomplished is deserving of such compliments .

Now, when it comes to my membership in the church, my activity in it or my positive mindset that I have towards it…this is also something that I have struggled with before, currently struggle with and will always struggle with.

I know that the ultimate goal that the church has for each and every one of it’s members is seeing them married in the temple, sealed for time and all eternity. A man to a woman. Then children who will eventually be baptized then continue on the same path that their parents followed.

My goal…is the same…up until we see that I am gay. My intention is to marry a man. This is not condoned, or even allowed to happen in any temple that our church has. But…I can still live a life that has the same standards that the church does!

That I intend on doing. Maybe not to the fullest degree obviously as if any of my children state that they are attracted to any gender other than their opposite then great! Go for it and I will be as supportive of my daughter and her girlfriend as I would be my son and his girlfriend.

There is no difference in a relationship between two individuals that love each other where one couple are opposite genders and the other just happens to be the same. The attraction that each person has towards the other is not something that is chosen. The relationship is chosen yes, the attraction is not. There is nothing anyone can do about changing that.

I do not write this in hopes that church policy will change to allow for marriages/sealings between same-sex couples to be allowed within temple walls. I do not write this for others to feel pity for me in my situation, or concern or worry that I may be somewhere I do not want to be.

I write this to be open and honest with others about my own experiences within the church as others have a far worse experience than I have, and others who have even better options as they choose to fully commit to the church and their teachings. They remain celibate, not marrying and living their lives as fully as possible without a significant other to be there for them in the journey that they call life.

Beyond the policies that the church has, I have been welcomed, loved respected, cared for, thought about, been the recipient of service, been asked for my opinion, assistance and much more by members of my ward. There is nothing I would say has been life altering or entirely made out of disgust for my sexuality.

I truly have been blessed to be a part of the congregation that I have for as long as I have. My experiences here are still far from perfect. I often see couples form and have definitely seen many marriages result from these formations. All have been heterosexual ones. Dates, dances, marriages, all take a toll on me and my optimistic view where I feel I can find someone for me.

Yes, I may limit my options in a very significant way by really only interacting among church members. Though I do not feel that I truly do. For I do not see these individuals as church members but as those who share similar beliefs, standards, interests, hobbies, goals and more that I do. Sure I would love someone from church to finally also have an attraction to me that I have towards them and we live happily ever after as many couples have from our ward.

I do not hold my breath for this as I know that my options are small, very small indeed in finding a companion.

I still take pride in who I am. I take pride in the fact that I am gay. I live in a time and place where my sexuality is not considered punishable by death. In society I am free to choose who I date, who I wish to marry and am free to see that marriage come to fruition without society condemning me for my choice.

I take pride in the membership of the church that I have in the fullest capacity that I choose to participate. I have been told many a time that we cannot just pick and choose when it comes to church rules and regulations.

I have chosen though, and so do the very same people that told me there is no choice in whether we follow things or not and receive either heaven or hell based on 100% obedience or none at all. This mentality is toxic, and has pushed many a member away from the church, regardless of their sexuality. This is not all wards that see things this way, just unfortunately, a vast number of members who believe that.

I still take pride in the church. I have not, do not, and will not always agree with policies that the church leaders set. If there comes a time where I have to leave for the sake of being a member or not. I would rather not be a member of the church and have the ability to marry the one I love than to remain un married and retain my membership in a church that does not condone my desire to marry someone of the same gender as my own.

My choice to leave, if that ever does happen, will not be to “stick it to the man, ” or “prove a point” or even to “take the easy way out.” My choice will be for out of respect for the rules that an organization has. An organization that is run by flawed humans who are lead by a god they feel communicates with them on a daily basis. I do not doubt their beliefs, I just may not entirely believe in them. I would rather let an organization have their rules than try to fight, tooth and nail for my entire life to be seen as someone as deserving and worthy of full fellowship.

I have enough dignity to walk away when I need to, I may not always save face in those times but I know that I will not put energy, or focus into anything that will inherently push back or against what my goals and aspirations are in life.

Why stay if the rules are still and may always remain against you? This is my choice to make and until I come across something that will put me over the edge about my choices about how I face the reality of my sexuality. I very well may remain an active member of the church to the greatest capacity that I can.

Do you always have to be proud of who you are? I would say no. We ALL get into a rough spot where we look at ourselves and hate every little bit of ourselves, whether it be our choices, our looks, our thoughts, whatever it is. The key to building anything up…one piece at a time. Once you put together some pieces you can take on maybe a slightly bigger piece. And if you fail, there are still the moments of pride that you have been able to be proud of.

What does pride month mean to me? I am not really sure I can put a lot of words to this that have not already said. I will try next week to put something together and see what comes out. It may be fairly short but we will see what results show up. I have pride in who I am for sure. But when it comes to the reason behind the season for pride…this will take some reflection so I am happy to provide my thoughts.