Seeing your younger siblings get married must make you feel bad. If you ever knew me…yes it does. At the same time I’m not. There is no way that I could really ever be upset that my siblings have gotten married.

Don’t you feel more pressure to date and get married because of it? There is part of me that does, but the pressure to date comes from more than just one direction and mostly from myself.

What other pressures do you face being in your position? The position that I am in being out of the closet and active in a faith that is not entirely supportive of the community.

The last couple weeks…goodness have been busy with a lot going on and I am just happy that I am able to be back to writing a bit and I hope that I will be back to my weekly posts.

No promises though as we all know that life does sometimes get in the way and some things need to take priority over others.

This past father’s day my dad had one of the greatest opportunities…he performed my brother’s marriage to his now wonderful wife! The wedding itself was put together fairly quickly and turned out to be quite beautiful.

I spent some time that morning finishing cleaning the house with my mother, then was able to gather a few additional things and spent the last few hours before the wedding with my brother, nephew and my brother’s friends getting ready.

My nephew is a hoot and was chattering non stop about how good he looked, how he matched my brother and I. My nephew is a beefy kid and was more than happy to strut around in pants that barely fit him and in a tie that was a bit too long all while complimenting the rest of us and stating he looked better than all of us together.

As we had the time we were more than happy to oblige into his thoughts and we were not opposed to feed his ego as it kept him in a mood that was easy to keep under control. He is not normally in such a good mood when he spends so much time away from his mom as he is a lot like me…a total mamas boy.

My brother showed no hesitation with anything. Seeing him smile as he was tying my nephew’s tie and getting him into his booster seat as we prepared to leave for the park made me happy to see that my brother has grown so much and will be an amazing father and husband. Not that I thought otherwise of course.

We arrive at the park before my sister-in-law and the rest of the attendees. We meet her mothers and the photographer who was already getting pictures as we were putting on my brother’s and nephew’s flowers for the event.

The bride arrives and my brother turns to see his soon to be wife and has the biggest grin as he sees her, our mother, sister and his step-daughter walking towards us. My niece just bounding down the way, flowers in hand, hair flowing as she runs and her skirt bouncing. At the age of six she sure is her own level of sass that matches that of our own family so she fits right in.

The ceremony itself was short, sweet and tear filled for sure. My father cracked a few jokes…especially about how it really only took him less than 60 seconds to get ordained online to perform the wedding. My brother asked him a few weeks prior to perform the wedding as he knows both him and his now wife.

The rest of the evening was dinner at home, plenty of stories, laughter and some more pictures to celebrate their day. They have determined to celebrate in the more traditional large ceremony and reception next year and I am excited to see that come to fruition for them.

Seeing this all happen for my brother has brought me a lot of joy as I have seen my brother go through a lot of hardship. I have said before that my brother will always live the life of hard knocks…he knows this and believes it himself as much as he will take the advice of others…he would rather learn as he goes. And that is something I admire.

Where seeing this happen for my brother becomes hard is when I look at my mother. Happy as can be, doting on her son, her new daughter-in-law, and her grandkids. Talking so fondly of them to others, smiling all the while.

This is not something that she often does for me.

I know that sounds selfish and to some degree it is. Mostly though it is knowing that deep down my mother wishes all her children to be happily married to someone they love and to have happy marriages and successful in life.

But, only if the marriage is heterosexual

I have been the one that has been able to become, in my own terms successful in life and happy with where I am at, for the most part as I know that there never really is a time where you have reached the greatest happiness that you can in this life.

As I have dated multiple guys in my life only one has my mother really met to spent time with when we were together. She got to know him in conversation though I could tell, through many a comment she made to him or really about me or the fact I was in a homosexual relationship it was not approved by her, it was limiting to me and hindering me.

That relationship did not turn out though it was not because of my mother’s comments. Her comments were in relation to the fact that if I were to pursue a homosexual relationship to the point of marriage I would no longer be in good standing within the church that we belong to.

That fact is something that I have come to terms with if I do get married and if church policy does not change. As of right now my own membership is in good standing which I appreciate as I have grown up in this faith and do have much respect for it and hold many of the standards that it teaches.

The difficult portion of recent is that local leadership has a different path that they would like me to take. My bishop meets with his members one-on-one often and that was not the abnormal thing that was addressed when he and I last talked. It was that he pushed a subject again that I had clearly shut down last time we had talked.

He wanted to know how my progress was towards attending the temple. Last time he and I talked I had explained to him that as my goals and the direction that my life is going do not align with what the temple represents and allows I do not intend on making my attendance there a priority.

This week…he pushed this again and shared with me something that he says he has not shared with anyone before. An attempt to touch a side of me that is still attached deeply to the teachings of our faith. This is not the first time that anyone has done this to me and will certainly not be the last.

I do not deny that the temple is a place for members of my faith to speak to celestials and be given guidance. I will not deny that it could give me that opportunity as well to be in a place with minimal distraction and a thin veil between our world and the plane that higher beings reside. What I will deny is myself putting energy and effort into gaining access to a place that will not allow me to obtain the goals that I currently have.

If my goals change my effort and energy may change direction. Currently, the only way my direction will change will be if there are changes to church policy.

I know to some that sounds incredibly selfish or that I expect church policy to change. I do not and have not expected church policy to change, ever. I know that church policy changes, especially the ones that I would like to see change are not up to man to change. They are also changes that would essentially change some of the most basic teachings that the church has and has stood by for as long as it has been established.

I will always respect the church. I may not fully understand it, or appreciate what it teaches or tolerates but I will always respect it. Within the country that we reside, the church has the ability to preach and teach what they like. Individuals are able to join and believe in what a faith teaches. I will not stand in the way of those who do not choose to follow a belief system that they feel they do not fit with.

I have tried many other faiths or learning about others on my own search, though I do not feel that the faith I belong to is entirely supportive of me and my life choices, it is the closest that I have been able to come across that is truth.

I know that this post has been really in two different directions, and for those that have read this far let alone read more than one post of mine. I greatly and deeply appreciate every second that you take to read and hopefully better understand me and my experiences.

I encourage you as my readers, if you would like to…to leave a comment, share with me your questions, and I would love to answer some of them or strike up conversation for things that you might like to hear about.

Will you remain active in your faith when you move? I will be honest and say that I am not sure. I know that I have been able to develop friendships among my congregation here that I could develop there. Though I have been extremely lucky here to have friends who are kind, caring and supportive of me and my life choices. We will see what the congregations there are able to provide for me.

Am I worried that I may lose my family if I continue to follow the path of marrying a man? I sometimes to worry about that and know deep down that if I do, I will be okay and I have friends that will be my chosen family. I do not hope to lose my family and I am sure I wont lose many of them, if I lose any.

What big adventure is to happen before you move? Probably the longest train ride I have been on. At the end of July I will travel by train from the Willamette Valley to Illinois to see some family. I am excited for this and will be sure to make a post for sure.